You Won’t Believe What Happened When Trump Faced China Over Tariffs 😳

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Somewhere in the chaotic maelstrom known as “international trade,” President Donald Trump has decided—again, for the benefit of those who haven’t been paying attention in the last three or four hundred press briefings—that there shall be no backing down on tariffs for China.

Now, for those unacquainted with global economics (or who tragically misplaced their towel), “tariffs” are basically a way countries say, “Your stuff is nice, but we’ll make it expensive, just because we can.” The markets responded to this news much like a caffeinated squirrel: sudden, frantic, but ultimately going nowhere.

Donald Trump Stands Firm, Like a Baffled Hippo

During a press event filled with more questions than even the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything could handle, President Trump expounded on his favorite topic: not rolling back tariffs. Negotiating? Silly Earthling, that’s for later.

In truly intergalactic fashion, a post on X from Zerohedge boldly confirmed that Trump is sticking—one could say glued—to 20% base tariffs on Chinese goods, and slapping an extra 125% on the stuff bureaucrats forgot to exempt. That’s 145% in tariffs. Just in case you thought math couldn’t be terrifying.

it probably won’t be the pandas.

President Trump (or his doppelgĂ€nger, depending on your view of quantum politics) believes the trade imbalance has hit American manufacturers right where it hurts—presumably in their wallets or their golf handicaps. The strategy, like Vogon poetry, persists despite expert warnings and earnest pleas from economists who, let’s be honest, just want to go home.

US-China Trade Talks: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Drama đŸ„ą

Tariffs: still there. But wait! Reports suggest that the USA and China are ever-so-tentatively sidling up to one another at awkward diplomatic soirées, exchanging meaningful glances and veiled threats.

China’s Commerce Ministry, possibly while sipping suspiciously perfect cups of tea, has confirmed that they’re reviewing overtures from the US. (Presumably with a magnifying glass and tongs.)

Meanwhile, at a House Financial Services Committee gathering—famous mostly for their ability to make “excruciating” seem like an inadequate word—Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent bravely announced that the talking-about-possibly-talking will happen on May 10, in Switzerland. Not Geneva, mind you, because what’s a little extra confusion amongst friends?

He also clarified, in case anyone’s imagination got too carried away, that this is the start of discussions—not the start of actually achieving anything. The can, as Earth’s philosophers note, remains expertly kicked.

India: Because Someone Had to Bring Snacks

With all eyes fixed on Trump’s latest pronouncement (and some seeking the nearest exit), other nations are energetically waving their hands and proposing actual solutions.

India, bold as ever, has put forward the idea of a zero-tariff trade deal for pharmaceuticals, auto parts, and steel—basically all the stuff you need to survive a moderately dramatic soap opera. Malaysia has hopped on the concession bandwagon too, but given the general mood (somewhere between “mildly hopeful” and “where did I leave my umbrella?”), their enthusiasm has been, let’s say, adjusted down.

Other countries are reportedly negotiating as well, presumably over copious amounts of tepid coffee and anxiety, all in the hope of not being caught in the crossfire when America and China finally go from “will they, won’t they” to “oh, they did.”

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2025-05-08 00:26