Wall Street Gets Awkward: Trump Bitcoin Goes Public, Billionaires Fight for Digital Shovels 🚀

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In the tempest of American commerce, where restless ambition howls louder than the icy winds whipping the Volga, a new spectacle surfaces: American Bitcoin, a mighty Bitcoin miner favored by those who measure worth in golden comb-overs and bottomless bravado, prepares to stumble into the daylight of public scrutiny.

Their scheme? The old, battered dance of merger, where Gryphon Digital Mining, itself battered by market storms, is to swallow American Bitcoin whole—only to be renamed by the devoured, in a ceremony reminiscent of peasants being handed their own boots for supper.

Unfathomable Details the Worker Can Only Dream Of

Word came cascading in a May 12 dispatch: American Bitcoin’s directors—those architects of industry with names like Mike Ho, Asher Genoot, and, looming large, young Eric Trump—will reign over the merged behemoth. (Doubtless, the cigar smoke in their gilded boardroom now hangs heavier with existential dread—and management PowerPoints.)

True to the spirit of American fairness, when the papers are inked and the deal is sealed, shareholders of American Bitcoin will clutch ninety-eight percent of the new entity—Gryphon’s faithful, gazing forlornly through frosted glass, make do with two percent. But Hut 8, shadowy patriarch of the operation, still clutches the biggest sheaf of shares with a grip worthy of Gorky’s own iron-handed landlords.

Plans swirl like a drunken riverboat—“ABTC” is to glitter on the Nasdaq marquee, perhaps as soon as the third quarter of 2025, to the applause of speculators and the puzzled grunts of miners deep in digital muck.

Lest you think Hut 8 simply squats by, they remain the muscled arm behind the scenes, murmuring about “exclusive infrastructure partnerships” and contracts promising steady profit, safe as a samovar locked in an oligarch’s dacha. Stable revenue, they say, for those clever enough to theorize about it.

“This transaction marks the next step in scaling American Bitcoin as a purpose-built vehicle for low-cost Bitcoin accumulation at scale,” says Asher Genoot, CEO of Hut 8, expertly spinning hope from the void like a Soviet tailor with moth-eaten cloth.

Why take American Bitcoin public now? So the capital can gush forth straight from the hearts of investors—no longer needing to shake Hut 8’s piggybank for coins. Every hand outstretched for Bitcoin gains; every gaze fixed on some distant, unseeable fortune.

Trump’s Crypto Cavalcade: Rolling in the Rubles, Digitally

Born in a flash of March 2025 inspiration (or possibly indigestion), American Bitcoin came spirited into life by Hut 8 and American Data Centers, with a plan more grandiose than a bureaucrat’s resolution: to build a miner so vast, so tirelessly efficient, even the Siberian steppes might pause in awe.

Plans were scattered by the winds—American Data Centers swiftly vanished, replaced with American Bitcoin. Eric Trump, co-founder and Chief Strategy Officer, strode onto the scene with a grin that may have been carved from marble.

With this latest audacious maneuver, the Trump family deepens its entanglement in digital fortunes. Already their hands clutch the levers of World Liberty Financial, where stablecoins shuffle to Abu Dhabi and Binance with the frantic energy of a St. Petersburg bazaar… $2 billion rides on stablecoin promises, and no one is quite sure who is left holding the bag.

Meanwhile, Trump Media, the family’s beacon of…something, shakes hands with Crypto.com in the world’s longest virtual handshake, plotting the launch of ETFs. And in a gesture that would make even Dostoevsky laugh, the President and the First Lady have birthed their own meme coins: Official Trump (TRUMP) and Melania Meme (MELANIA)—because sometimes, the revolution will indeed be televised, but it will also be fungible, fractional, and ready for trading at midnight.

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2025-05-14 00:49