Bitcoin Investors Are Making So Much Money, They’re Probably Spending It on Avocado Toast 🥑💸

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So, it turns out Bitcoin investors have been pocketing around $139 million every hour lately. That’s right—per hour. I’m still struggling to find a spare $10 in my couch cushions. According to the financial wizards at Glassnode, these crypto geniuses are making cool 17% more than their usual hourly profit baseline. Meanwhile, I just made 17% more on my morning coffee tab by skipping the extra shot of espresso.

Bitcoin’s Realized Profit: The Rollercoaster You Never Wanted to Ride

“Realized Profit,” they call it. It sounds like something you’d say to your goldfish to make him feel special, but it’s just some fancy math that tracks how much people actually *cash out* of their Bitcoin stacks. Basically, if you bought Bitcoin for less than you’re selling it now, congrats—you’ve “realized” profit, which is analyst-speak for “made some money while pretending you totally understood crypto.”

The mechanics involve snooping through every Bitcoin transaction, figuring out who’s buying low and selling high, then adding it all up like a sports commentator doing a halftime score update. The opposite stat, Realized Loss, is apparently the sad cousin who shows up crying because some investors sold at a loss—and yes, those poor souls do exist.

Here’s a lovely graph that looks like a heart monitor running during a tense episode of “Crypto Panic.”

Bitcoin Realized Profit spike graph

See that spike? That’s Bitcoin investors happily cashing in because, surprise, the price is rallying. Apparently, $139 million an hour in realized profits is the new “just another Tuesday” for them. Compared to past bull runs when they were practically printing money, this feels modest—but hey, modest million-dollar-an-hour profit runs are still better than my bank account’s version of modest, which is basically empty.

The report bishops (yes, I’m giving Glassnode a medieval title because this reads like the prophecy of crypto knights) warn that if the market can take this selling without crying, the future might look decent. Fail, though, and we’re back to a “dead cat bounce”—which sounds like a cruel circus act involving animals, but means prices will flop disastrously.

Which gamblers are cashing out so aggressively? The short-term holders—those who bought Bitcoin in the last 155 days, which sounds oddly precise, like a pet’s age measured in squirrel years. Here’s another chart showing these folks are making more money than they’re losing right now.

Short-term holders profit ratio

BTC Price, or How Much Fun You Had Last Week

At the moment, Bitcoin is chilling at about $94,600, up roughly 12% from last week. Which means, if you ignored all your adult responsibilities and bought in recently, you might be feeling pretty smug. If not, you can always console yourself with a nice cup of coffee and the knowledge that your crypto envy is statistically justified.

Bitcoin price chart

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2025-04-26 11:17