“Coinbase Just Flexed: ‘We’re Basically a Bank Now… But Cooler 😎'”
Oh, Brian Armstrong, always the modest guy, quietly standing atop his $420 billion mountain of customer assets and saying, “No biggie, just the 21st largest bank in the U.S., if we *were* a bank. 🏦” Like, okay Brian, should we call you the Elon Musk of fintech, or does that title already come with too many late-night tweets?
He even went for a humblebrag on X (formerly Twitter, for those of you still clinging to 2012), saying Coinbase is *also* the eighth-largest brokerage. Not a banker? No problem. Want to be a brokerage? *Boom*, you’re top 10. Who needs traditional financial institutions when you’ve got vibes, memes, and billions of dollars in assets?
If you think of Coinbase like a bank, we now hold about $0.42T in assets for our customers, which would make us 21st largest bank in the US by total assets, and growing.
If you think of us more like a brokerage, we’d be the 8th largest brokerage today by AUM.
If you think of us…
— Brian Armstrong (@brian_armstrong) February 7, 2025
Payments via Coinbase
And let’s not forget the casual mention of processing $30 trillion in stablecoin transactions last year. Armstrong sheepishly admits these weren’t all for groceries (although imagine swiping crypto for milk—how futuristic 🥛). Instead, he talks about how crypto is turning finance into this weird, glorious smoothie of investing, payments, and lending. A financial smoothie might sound gross, but apparently, it’s the future. 🥤💸
“The line between these categories is blurring,” Brian explains, as if this entire business model wasn’t a blur to begin with. In true visionary fashion, he predicts global domination—I mean, um, *crypto adoption*—which will lead to “lower transaction costs and increased economic freedom.” Sounds like a dream, except for anyone still trying to figure out how to even pronounce Dogecoin. 🐕🦺💰
Also, shoutout to traditional banking for being “outdated” because who needs those stodgy old systems? Here’s to a streamlined future where you can lose your life savings while buying a latte via blockchain. ☕✨
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2025-02-07 23:10