In a most ungentlemanly act, the residence of the esteemed Miss Kaitlyn Siragusa, known to the world as Amouranth, was subjected to a most barbarous invasion. The ruffians, with nary a thought for decorum, forced their way into her abode and, with pistols brandished, demanded she surrender her digital fortune. 🤨
This most unfortunate event transpired on the third of March, when a band of miscreants, armed to the teeth, burst into her sanctuary, dealt her a harsh blow, and endeavored with all their might to wrest from her the private keys to her wealth. 🗝️
I do declare, I believe I may have felled one of the scoundrels; they were shouting for crypto, of all things, and yanked me from my slumber most rudely.
— Amouranth (@Amouranth) March 3, 2025
The good people at Fox 26 have informed us that the authorities have apprehended one Mr. Dylan Nesho Campbell, Mr. Bryan Anthony Salazar Guerrero, and two youthful delinquents, not yet of age, for their complicity in this dastardly deed. 🚔
The elder of the youthful defendants, being but a year shy of manhood, stands accused of the most grievous crimes of aggravated kidnapping and aggravated robbery with a weapon most deadly, in company with Messrs. Campbell and Guerrero. The severity of the charges is such as to make one’s hair stand on end! 👀
Mr. Campbell and Mr. Guerrero remain in the clutches of the law, with their bail set at a sum that would make even the most spendthrift of gentlemen blush—$150,000 and $200,000, respectively. Mr. Guerrero, having found the means, has since posted his bail, while the younger villain remains shrouded in mystery. 🕵️♂️
In a most thrilling turn of events, Miss Siragusa’s husband, who was in conversation with her at the time, was witness to the entire spectacle through the modern marvel of the security camera. With the scoundrels distracted by the pursuit of a mythical cold storage device, he seized the moment to arm himself and, with the precision of a marksman, fired three shots, possibly felling one of the intruders, before they made their hasty retreat. 🎯
It has come to light that Miss Siragusa is in possession of a most impressive sum of 211 Bitcoin, which, at the last accounting, was worth over twenty million pounds. This revelation, no doubt, painted a target upon her back. 💰
This outrageous act is but one in a series of cyber misdeeds focused on the acquisition of cryptocurrency. Only recently, a court in our neighboring kingdom handed down sentences to seven miscreants for their despicable acts of kidnapping and extortion in pursuit of digital wealth. And let us not forget the harrowing tale of Mr. David Balland, co-founder of Ledger, who was subjected to a most terrifying abduction at gunpoint. 🌧️
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2025-03-17 07:33