Desperate Parents Beg Trump For Pardon

by

In a tale of confusion, irony, and no small dose of chutzpah, the parents of the beleaguered FTX founder, Sam Bankman-Fried, have thrown themselves into the labyrinthine corridors of legal pardons. They are, as the saying goes, trying to get a get-out-of-jail-free card from none other than President Donald “The Pardoner” Trump. 🃏

Sam Bankman-Fried, for those who haven’t been keeping up with the drama of modern finance, is currently enjoying a 25-year state-sponsored vacation, courtesy of a fraud conviction that shook the crypto world more than a teenager’s failed attempt at making soufflĂ©. Ah, those were the days.

The ‘Pardon Me’ Campaign (No, Seriously)

Our protagonists, the Stanford Law School professors Joseph Bankman and Barbara Fried, are reportedly diving headfirst into deep discussions with anyone who might lend an ear – lawyers, political insiders, and probably the bloke who sells hotdogs outside the courthouse – all in an effort to persuade Trump’s merry band to sprinkle some presidential magic and do a bit of sentence vanishing.

“JUST IN: Sam Bankman-Fried’s parents explore seeking a pardon from President Trump for their son, Bloomberg reports.” 🌐

The plot thickens as Bankman-Fried’s ever-determined legal team have already appealed against his 2023 conviction. FTX’s implosion remains a high point (or low point, depending on your perspective) in cryptocurrency’s turbulent saga. With accusations of pilfering customer assets and fooling FTX’s creditors and investors, our man Sam ended up causing an $8 billion black hole. 🌌

Trump: The Wizard of Pardons

Donald Trump, ever the magnanimous dispenser of judicial absolution, is no stranger to pardoning noteworthy crypto characters. Perhaps the most infamous of his lucky recipients was Ross Ulbricht of Silk Road infamy. Yet, as white-collar criminals across the land line up for a sprinkle of Trump’s forgiving fairy dust, Bankman-Fried’s chances are—how do we put it—bleak at best. After all, Sam’s saga hasn’t exactly spurred a chorus of public sympathy, especially with his insistence on an Oliver Twist-style “Please sir, I didn’t do it.” 🧐

Legal advisor Jeffrey Grant articulates the groundswell of hope and ambition among the convicted and soon-to-be-convicted:

“We have been hearing from people in prison, from people recently sentenced who haven’t yet reported to the Bureau of Prisons, from people who have just been indicted. They are looking for somebody who knows somebody.” đŸ•”ïžâ€â™‚ïž

Not to be outdone, another FTX alumnus, Ryan Salame, is eyeing his own golden ticket out of the slammer, though he’s only seven years into his sentence. Meanwhile, the clemency express remains busy, as Sam Mangel, master prison consultant for the notorious, has been juggling pardon pleas like a circus clown with too few hands. đŸŽȘ

Read More

2025-01-31 18:16