SBF’s Prison Chronicles: Pardon Dreams and Chess with Diddy 🎲

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Well, well, well. It looks like Sam Bankman-Fried, aka the “crypto genius” who turned into everyone’s least favorite Monopoly player, is out here trying to finesse his way off the hook. The former FTX CEO, who is currently enjoying the perks of prison life—like playing chess with Diddy (because apparently this is a Netflix special)—recently graced Tucker Carlson’s podcast with his presence. Yes, you read that right. It’s like “Orange Is the New Black” but with worse haircuts. 🏰

Here’s the scoop: SBF was sentenced to 25 years for orchestrating an $8 billion fraud. And now, thanks to a White House crypto summit and the magic of hope, people are speculating if he’s lining up for a Trump pardon. You know, the “get-out-of-jail-free” card that’s normally reserved for turkeys on Thanksgiving and Lil Wayne at award shows. 🦃🎵

“Sam Bankman-Fried is doing 25 years behind bars and is sharing a cell block with Diddy. He joins us from prison for an update on his new life.”

— Tucker Carlson (@TuckerCarlson) March 6, 2025

Apparently, SBF has been passing his time in prison by reading novels and working on his communication skills. Oh, how noble! Because you definitely need killer communication skills when half the world thinks you’re an evil crypto wizard. Oh, and chess! Because nothing screams “I’m rehabilitated” like checkmating Diddy’s Queen’s Gambit. ♟️🎤

Let’s not skip over the juiciest bit: Donald Trump’s campaign promised to pardon Ross Ulbricht (the Silk Road guy), and he followed through. Naturally, SBF’s parents—Stanford professors who are likely Googling “how to bribe someone legally”—are pulling every string and lobbying harder than Black Friday shoppers to place SBF at the top of Trump’s “pardon list.” Because if Ross got a pass, why not the guy whose crypto empire sank faster than the Titanic? 🚢💰

“Turns Out, Mastermind of Financial Chaos Also Sucked at Communication!”

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2025-03-10 11:24