SHOCKING: Justice Department’s Dramatic Crypto U-Turn Leaves Industry in Fabulous Disarray! 🎭

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My dear friends, what absolutely delightful news! 🎭 The Department of Justice, that most serious of institutions, has decided to abandon its rather tedious crusade against the marvelously mysterious world of cryptocurrency. How perfectly scandalous! 🧐

The National Cryptocurrency Enforcement Team – such a dreadfully boring name, wouldn’t you agree? – launched with great pomp and circumstance in 2022, is now being retired like last season’s fashion. Their crowning achievement, a $4.3 billion settlement with Binance, shall remain their swan song. How terribly dramatic! 💅

In what can only be described as the most fashionable memo of the season, deputy attorney general Todd Blanche – wearing his authority quite well, I must say – has declared this most entertaining shift in policy. One might say he’s turned the tables with the elegance of a society hostess rearranging her dinner party. 🎪

The DOJ, darling, will now only concern itself with the most shocking of crimes – terrorism, narcotics, and other such unsavory affairs. How perfectly sensible! They’re washing their hands of those tiresome regulatory matters like a lady removing her gloves at tea time. 🎪

And oh! The developers! Those poor, misunderstood artists of code shall no longer be persecuted for others’ misdeeds. Isn’t it simply wonderful how freedom can bloom like a hothouse flower? 🌸

The most delicious irony, my dears, is that we have Mr. Trump to thank for this libertarian turn of events. His family, with their characteristic modesty, merely owns 75% of a related venture. How perfectly convenient! 🎩

Mr. Blanche – who, coincidentally, used to defend our dear Mr. Trump (such a small world!) – has decreed that only the most willful of misconduct shall be pursued. How very generous of him! 🎭

Though some dreary critics insist this might lead to more fraud and scams, I say: what’s life without a little danger? After all, as I always say, the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about! 🎪

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2025-04-09 06:32