The U.S. Bitcoin Plan You Won’t Believe 😱

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Senator Cynthia Lummis, in a move that would make even Sisyphus wince, is yet again pushing her grand vision for a U.S. Strategic Bitcoin Reserve. One might think this is less about financial strategy and more about a love affair with volatility. The BITCOIN Act, introduced last year, floundered as swiftly as a paper boat in a tempest—but what’s politics if not the art of stubborn repetition?

On X (formerly Twitter, because apparently rebrands are all the rage), Lummis pronounced that this bill would bolster America’s financial prowess by committing to Bitcoin as part of the national reserves. A bold statement, decidedly reminiscent of Victorian declarations on the superiority of monocles.

The ambition? Acquire a cool million Bitcoins in five years—roughly 5% of all circulating Bitcoin—while housing them in decentralized vaults that presumably resemble something out of a steampunk treasure novel. Naturally, these funds are to come from Federal Reserve and Treasury spoils; taxpayers, take heart! You won’t directly subsidize this peculiar escapade, but you’ll likely have front-row seats to its unfolding drama.

A merry band of Republican senators stand firmly behind the proposal. Surely, characters like Jim Justice, Tommy Tuberville, and Marsha Blackburn would excel as extras in a theater piece entitled “Bitcoin and the Follies of Gold Rush 2.0.” Senator Tuberville has already waxed poetic about Bitcoin doling out a divine solution to America’s debt woes. He might as well suggest auctioning the moon’s real estate next.

Republican House candidate Nick Begich chipped in with a similar bill—because what’s a political movement without an echo chamber? Meanwhile, former President Donald Trump’s executive order to consolidate seized Bitcoin seems less like leadership and more like a glorified yard sale of confiscated assets. In fairness, his approach avoids buying more Bitcoin altogether—a sage decision given its “roller coaster built by blindfolded engineers” market performance.

Bitcoin, recently dipping below $70,000 before clawing back to $81,748, whispers promises but shouts uncertainty. Yet, Lummis remains steadfast, like a tragic heroine watching the ship sink, clutching her cryptocurrency dreams. Should her bill pass, the government may well become the proud curator of humanity’s most volatile museum exhibit. Lummis hopes to entrench Bitcoin in the national fabric—a vision ambitious, bold, and possibly just a tad quixotic.

Oscar Wilde might have said, “Life imitates art far more than art imitates life,” but this unfolding saga might just prove the exception. 🤷‍♂️

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2025-03-11 20:38