You Shall Not Tax That Crypto! Scandal, Schemes & DeFi Drama in America’s Senate 💰🍰

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a Senator in possession of a draft bill must be in want of popularity—particularly amongst those with a penchant for digital currencies. Upon a Thursday most unremarkable, Senator Cynthia Lummis—who, one suspects, possesses a constitution nearly as hardy as her name—did present for public amusement a proposal to emancipate certain crypto dealings from the odious shackles of taxation. Mining and staking rewards, too, are to gossip idly in one’s digital ballroom, taxman having been most graciously invited to call only upon their sale.

“My legislation ensures Americans might join this boisterous digital economy without fear of stumbling into a net of inadvertent tax violations,” exclaimed Senator Lummis, her countenance presumably one of virtuous triumph. (How charmingly naive to believe inadvertence exonerates one with the IRS 👀.)

Scarcely three weeks have passed since the Senate’s own laudable triumph: the GENIUS Act (such modesty in naming, one must admit), secured its passage 68 to 30—a majority not even Mr. Darcy could argue with! Andrei Grachev, known for mingling at all the best financial assemblies, opined that this act shall “legitimize” stablecoins for those institutions ever so eager to shed their tarnished shillings for “a better form of money.” Truly, if one must endure society, one might as well do so with a crisp digital note.

As traditional bankers earn ever more disdain and disappointment (a pastime rivaled only by matchmaking and parlor games), Stani Kulechov observed at EthCC 2025 that many have wandered over to decentralized finance—presumably out of desperation as much as innovation.

“Horrific banking experiences have ushered in a veritable exodus—fintech applications, like Mrs. Bennet at a ball, have seized more market share than was ever proper,” said Kulechov, his remarks delivered with all the exhaustion of a man forced to dance the quadrille thrice.

But DeFi is not singular in its ambitions. The tokenization of real-world assets—an opportunity worth “multi-trillions” (which in Regency terms is enough to ensure ten daughters very well married)—beckons.

Elsewhere, the enigmatic Chainlink—no relation to dinner parties—has devised a compliance framework so grand as to potentially unleash over $100 trillion in institutional funds into the arms of crypto. Sergey Nazarov declared, “Chainlink ACE is the standard the tokenized asset economy deserves.” One cannot help but wonder if ACE will soon be required reading at gentleman’s clubs across London.

Senator Lummis’s Most Exciting Bill Yet (Do Try Not to Faint)

Having spotted the omission of crypto amendments (a most grievous oversight), Senator Lummis brandished her standalone bill, intent to liberate digital assets and all who HODL them. Transactions below $300? Taxman, avert your gaze! Capital gains? A paltry $5,000 exemption per annum—one’s financial “pin money,” as it were.

Crypto lent or donated to charity? Exempted, for charitableness and fortune-hunting remain the best of friends. Mining and staking rewards may also dance gaily away from the tax hall—at least until one’s tokens are sold and the music stops.

“We cannot permit the dust of ancient tax policy to smother such a novel American ingenuity,” Lummis pronounced. In short, DeFi enthusiasts may ready the lemonade, but perhaps chill on the celebratory fireworks—lest Her Majesty’s Revenue Service in the colonies take umbrage.

Our redoubtable Wyoming Senator’s solitary bill—her best hope to restore her reputation in the crypto drawing room—must now face the rigors of courtly debate and the affections of a fickle Congress. Place your bets, gentle reader, as you would on the marital prospects of a certain Mr. Bingley.

The $250 Million Arms Race: Who Shall Tokenize the World First?

In the midst of all this, DeFi protocol Ondo Finance and Pantera Capital have pledged a princely sum—$250 million—to a most tantalizing venture: the acquisition of real-world assets via something called the Ondo Catalyst fund. Ian De Bode, ever ready for a duel, described the current market as “an arms race”—one must assume with fewer generals, but rather more programmers sporting questionable waistcoats.

Robinhood, never content to sit out a dance, has created a new blockchain layer for trading tokenized US stocks. Kraken and Coinbase are lacing up their boots to join the reel—tokenized equities for everyone but the United States (who, as ever, arrives to the party fashionably late).

Not content with their own triumphs, Ondo Finance now orchestrates a Global Markets Alliance—one more alliance than many a European monarch could boast.

PancakeSwap: Cake for All, Gas Fees for None

The mighty PancakeSwap DEX, a platform surely the envy of every Regency cook, smashed records with $325 billion in June trading volume. Second quarter? An immodest $530 billion—enough to impress even Lady Catherine de Bourgh (though, alas, she would never admit it).

PancakeSwap Infinity (the latest of its flourishes) has graced the world with lower gas fees, customizable liquidity pools (which sound quite as tiresome as they are lucrative), and “CLAMM” and “LBAMM” pool types. Akind to a cook who can now add every spice to every dish without restarting the soup.

Chef Kids, the head of this digital kitchen, asserts that new pool types and custom “Hooks” can now be ladled liberally into DeFi without the ordeal of redeploying smart contracts. One’s heartfelt sympathies to any coder who survived this procedure previously.

FATF’s Most Inconvenient Party Invitation

Even the Financial Action Task Force (FATF)—a body that takes its fun about as seriously as Lady Bracknell—has celebrated that 73% of jurisdictions have finally implemented the Travel Rule. Crypto providers are now expected to gossip about users’ transactions with all the thoroughness of Mrs. Bennet at tea—ostensibly to keep out unsavory types (and North Korean actors, though one doubts they’ve been invited to many soirées lately).

The FATF, never content with last year’s lecture, is promising more targeted papers on stablecoins and DeFi—surely the most engrossing reading since Sir Walter Elliot’s “Baronetage.”

A Most Alarming Statistic: Crypto Losses of $2.5 Billion in H1 2025 😱

If you thought fortune always favored the bold, you haven’t met CertiK. Crypto hacks, exploits, and outright shenanigans snatched $2.47 billion in the first half of 2025. Thankfully, the second quarter was less terrifying than the first—like the second act of a Shakespeare comedy, with only 144 incidents and $800 million lost (such restraint!).

Yet, a full $1.78 billion vanished in just two escapades: Bybit and Cetus Protocol, making it rather like losing the family estate because one forgot to lock the back door. All things considered, after the partial recoveries, only $2.2 billion truly absconded. (A sum one could nearly attribute to a weekend in Brighton.)

Dancing at the DeFi Ball: Market Recap

This week, the top one hundred cryptocurrencies ended handsomely in the green—Miss Pudgy Penguins (PENGU) soared by 66%, and the mischievous Bonk (BONK) memecoin trotted up nearly 25%. If only reputations were so easily revived!

With that, dear reader, thus concludes our chronicle. Pray, return next Friday—for tales of innovation, intrigue, and the occasional hack; and remember: in DeFi as in life, fortune—and failure—favors the well-prepared (and lightly sarcastic). 🫖📈

2025-07-04 21:25