You Won’t Believe What MicroStrategy Did With $1.34 Billion (Peter Schiff Is Losing It) 😳💸

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Monsieur et Madame, lend me thine ear! Imagine, if thou wilt, a noble company—once christened MicroStrategy but now, out of pure vanity or perhaps confusion, reborn as “Strategy”—that hath, with all the solemnity of a king’s decree, gobbled up 13,390 more Bitcoins, for the modest sum of $1.34 billion! Ay, ‘tis no jest, for the oracle of the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission bore witness to this feat on the eleventh day of May.

What curious alchemy produced this treasure? The magicians at Strategy hawked their Class A ordinary stock and the enigmatic Series STRK preferred shares to summon the gold. 3,222,875 shares of MSTR dispatched—to the tune of $1.31 billion, plus a paltry $25.1 million squeezed from 273,987 STRK shares. Sacré bleu! Was anyone left to run the company, or are they now governed by taxidermied Bitcoins in the boardroom?

But wait—there’s more! Their coffers now bulge with 568,840 Bitcoins. If thou consults the digital harbinger, the price now sings at $104,000 per coin, valuing the pile at a scandalous $59 billion. Strategy, cleverer than a Parisian locksmith, averages a purchase price of $69,287. With a princely sum of $39.4 billion poured into this endeavor, Monsieur Strategy now reclines upon $20 billion of profit—on parchment, if not in purse.

Yet, what light through yonder Twitter breaks? ‘Tis Peter Schiff, that tireless harpy, screeching from the parapets. In April, he called Bitcoin a fraud—quelle surprise! He brands Strategy’s scheme a well-oiled carriage careening toward bankruptcy. Oh, Peter, ever the bringer of cheer—wouldst thou like a croissant with thy schadenfreude?

Meanwhile, Michael Saylor, co-founder and self-anointed bard, whispers on a quiet Sunday, “Connect the dots.” Dots, indeed: Strategy acquired 303,230 Bitcoins in but half a year—nearly half their hoard! The company’s grasping mitts now clutch over 2.7% of all the world’s Bitcoin, to the envy of every Scrooge and miser.

And yet—tragedy! Earlier this month, the truth spilled forth: a $4.2 billion net loss for the first quarter of 2025, dashed by $6 billion in “unrealized” sorrows, thanks to new accounting laws. Oh, the drama! In the theatre of high finance, what’s a few billion between friends? Curtain falls, applause—or perhaps just a nervous cough.

Fin.

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2025-05-12 18:27