You’ll Never Guess What Coinbase Wants the Senate To Do Before August 👀

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Oh, what a spectacle! In the dark labyrinths of Washington, confusion and ambition pirouette together as lawmakers tiptoe—yes, tiptoe—toward the precipice of ground-shaking crypto legislation, determined to stir up the entire stew of American digital assets before the summer sun melts what’s left of their resolve.

Coinbase Shouts, Congress Listens (Maybe?): Stablecoin Rules Wanted Faster Than a Cossack Dance

Behold: Brian Armstrong, unflappable CEO of Coinbase (his head gleaming brighter than a freshly minted Dogecoin), ascended his virtual soapbox Tuesday. His message? A clarion call to the esteemed lawmakers—who are, of course, distracted by the grandeur of election-year posturing and buffet tables—to please, for the love of digital sanity, pass some crypto laws before August. Armstrong, the patron saint of stablecoins (or at least self-appointed deputy), sang his plea on X, that great town square where pronouncements vie for glory with cat memes.
Here’s Armstrong’s latest sonnet:

Congress has a real opportunity this week to advance stablecoin and market structure legislation. We strongly support the Senate starting debate on the GENIUS Act — and we need 60 votes to get there.

Astounding! Legislation is being marshaled, not unlike a regiment of mustachioed bureaucrats clad in ill-fitting uniforms, to subject crypto assets to American orderliness. The GENIUS Act of 2025 (because any other name lacked sufficient pomposity) dreams of federal fingers prying into stablecoin vaults and, lest we forget, shielding innocent souls from digital wolves. The act’s journey through the Senate Committee on Banking, Housing, and Urban Affairs was about as swift as a government pigeon, but lo, it advanced in March!

And while the Senate foxtrots, Armstrong threw a bouquet House-ward: “We also welcome House efforts to build on FIT21’s momentum.” FIT21, which sounds suspiciously like an exercise regime for tired agencies, is really just more regulation—this time to decide if the SEC or the CFTC gets to wear the digital sheriff’s badge. (Spoiler: They both want it, and neither wants the bill.)

Armstrong, tapping out his message with the urgency of a man whose Wi-Fi bill is overdue, prophesied:

Both chambers need to act now if we hope to pass comprehensive legislation into law before August.

Lawmakers, no doubt trembling under this digital pressure, proceed with their legendary efficiency—like a babushka searching for a decent potato. Meanwhile, industry titans wring their hands, advocates wave banners, and policy critics clutch their metaphors. Will order or chaos triumph in this crypto stew?

If history (and Gogol’s nose) is any guide, expect plenty of debate, a whiff of farce, and more than a few senators peering suspiciously into their digital wallets, just to make sure their coins haven’t vanished into thin air. 💸🤡

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2025-05-07 06:06