You’ll Never Guess What Eric Trump Thinks Will Happen to Banks Without Crypto!

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Eric Trump has peered into the Discworld of finance and declared, in tones normally reserved for pronouncing doom upon overripe fruit, that traditional banks are careening towards extinction in the next ten years—unless, of course, they sprout shiny new crypto tails and learn to wag them pleasingly. (If this sounds dramatic, that’s because it is. The world is on the brink of running out of wool to pull over its eyes, after all.)

In Which Eric Trump and SWIFT Cross Swords, and Blockchain Polishes Its Halo

Eric Trump, who holds the ceremonial title of executive vice president in the ancient and mysterious guild known as the Trump Organization, told CNBC that the SWIFT banking system is about as effective as sending money by carrier pigeon during a hurricane. He described his deep and meaningful relationship with the 4 p.m. wire cut-off as “racing the sun,” only to find that the money itself appears to prefer a leisurely walking pace. Meanwhile, blockchain zips around like a caffeinated hedgehog, transferring funds faster than you can say “service fee.”

Eric, interviewed while presumably not wearing a wizard’s hat, asserted that “there’s nothing blockchain can’t do better than today’s banks.” Which is a subtle way of saying, “Banks, you had one job.”

As for mortgages, the process is so arduous that by the time a loan is approved, the house in question has either doubled in price, given up and walked away, or been turned into a wizarding academy for plumbers. Eric claims the compliance checks are so lengthy you could age a cheese wheel—twice—while waiting.

In tones somewhere between visionary and “are we sure this isn’t just magic?”, Eric laments the banking system’s bias toward the ultra-wealthy, and claims that navigating it makes climbing the Tower of Art look like a brisk stroll (“Our banking system is broken, antiquated, and generally available only to people whose business cards double as yacht registrations”). Hence, his new affection for digital assets—fancy suits not required, just an internet connection and an appetite for risk.

Trump is enthusiastic about decentralized finance (DeFi), the kind of thing that lets you zap your money across the world without spending your entire inheritance on currency conversion fees or decoding what a “foreign correspondent fee” actually is. He offers a gentle, apocalyptic warning:

If the banks don’t watch what’s coming, they’re going to be extinct in ten years. 🤯

His warning echoes from the rooftops where blockchain evangelists flutter like mischievous ravens, each convinced that a glorious, frictionless future awaits—unless you’re a bank, in which case the future looks suspiciously like a museum display (“Please Do Not Feed the Bankers”). Even as the elder Trump courts the lords of Bitcoin, Eric wields the family crystal ball with greater flourish, predicting a future littered with the fossils of traditional banks, each lovingly labeled “Did Not Adapt.”

He also ponders why bank branches open “9 to 5 with time off for second breakfast,” when people are trying to send money at all hours. (The world, alas, does not operate according to the bank manager’s tea schedule.) In Eric’s saga, banks cling to their rotary phones while FinTechs hurtle forwards, cackling, on the back of blockchain-powered broomsticks. 🧹

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2025-04-30 21:30