You’ll Never Guess What Trump Might Do to Crypto This August 🤯

It was a Tuesday as gray as dishwater and just as lukewarm. News drifted down from the Consensus Toronto 2025 event, where important men in tailored jackets gathered, their lapels heavy with significance, their eyes admiring their own brilliance (and perhaps their reflection in the nearest Bitcoin chart). Among them, Bo Hines—a name with the sheen of energy drinks—insisted that President Trump remained committed to signing “historic” crypto laws by August.

They whispered about stablecoins, about markets that no one quite understood but everyone was eager to control. You’d think, from their faces, that they were midwifes to the next Industrial Revolution, rather than adding a few more regulations to the legislative soup.

Will Congress Birth Crypto, Or Just More Committees?

Bo Hines, rising solemnly at the event’s podium—perhaps dreaming of the presidency himself, perhaps dreaming of dinner—declared that, yes, negotiations danced on, like a Tolstoyan waltz through bureaucracy. Stablecoin rules, market structures, even a proposal for Bitcoin reserves had all been tossed into the legislative cauldron.

“Optimism” was the word of the hour, as if hope could push a bill past Congress the way vodka can make fishing in November seem like an excellent idea. The aim is to finish small talk and signatures by August, before everyone flees Washington for distant golf courses.

Trump’s Family and Crypto: A Love Story? 💏💰

Some skeptics, sipping watery hotel coffee, raised an eyebrow at the Trump clan’s foray into digital assets. Hines shot back with youthful assurance, declaring that the First Family’s crypto dabbling was inspiring, not conflict of interest. (Surely, in Russia, such family involvement would be called “tradition.”)

“If you’re a good business person, you should be looking at digital assets,” Hines reasoned, neglecting to mention that being a good business person is rarely defined by one’s desire to collect NFTs of cartoon monkeys.

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Bipartisanship: More Awkward Than a Bear at a Ballet

Elsewhere at Consensus, Representative French Hill (who apparently survived the wilderness of bipartisan negotiations) lamented that the “Trump coin” excitement complicated discussions. Yet, as in the best Chekhov play, the real action took place backstage. Republicans and Democrats, against their instincts, agreed: America cannot lose the crypto race, even if no one has quite decided where the finish line is.

Will Congress produce a lucid crypto framework before the August recess? Will they simply invent new metaphors for “delay”? The world watches, breath bated, wallets trembling gently.

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2025-05-15 10:02